I am definitely thinking of hurricanes the past week…
My dear friend chose an exciting time to visit Hawaii. She gets to now say she was in a hurricane once in her life – Hurricane Iselle. Although my friend had no choice but to stay in Hawaii, some people actually choose to be with the excitement of a once in a lifetime hurricane experience.
I may be similar to hurricane seekers in an unconscious way though. I don’t intentionally seek out drama, but drama has over and over found its place in my life. One time my sister told me that if she was feeling sorry for herself, she just thought of my challenges and then she felt better about hers!
One of my dramatic challenges began as a college student at the age of 19. After a terrifying week-long stay in the hospital, the doctors said I most likely had Multiple Sclerosis. My thought process went something like this: Oh shit – What actually is MS? – Am I going to die? – Not right away – Oh, that is good. – Well, I guess I should just make the best of it – I can’t control this sickness, it is so unpredictable – I don’t know what days I’ll be able to walk and those that I will need a cane or a wheelchair – I better walk while I’m able – I better enjoy my life while I can get around – I better live every day like I won’t be able to walk tomorrow.
These thoughts and many more swirled around me back then. What will happen? – I don’t want to die – I don’t want to be a burden to my husband – I’ll just be as active now as I can be.
Thoughts swirling in my head like a hurricane, building in intensity until the recognition that the “what ifs” were worse than just riding the experience to its completion. Thankfully, through this hurricane of emotion and thoughts over many years, I was able to feel the love of others for me, feel the truths and expansion of the love within me in the eye of the hurricane experience.
Today I was telling my childhood friend how well I was served by that 18 year misdiagnosis. Yeah, that is right, a misdiagnosis; I lived for 18 years believing I had MS when the correct diagnosis was mercury poisoning from 12 silver fillings slowly leaking mercury into my body. I told my friend that with every health challenge that I now face, that I’m always calling up that old, established and very core promise to my 19 year old self. It has served me well.
So today, as I face another unknown health drama, I go right to feeling the love. What a powerful place to handle whatever comes my way.
I was and am now truly was riding the hurricane of life, with its powerful gusts of love – Everywhere just love – Lessons of love – Experiences of love.
Within me, in each part of me, in every fiber of my being, I know that it is a privilege to be present on this earth – even in a wheel chair. The privilege is the opportunity for love and its expression, amplified by the opportunities we have in fully embracing every day here. I will honor that expression by appreciating every day, every family challenge, every health obstacle and every spiritual lesson and expansion.
I built my core spiritual strength from that incorrect and unfortunate diagnosis. Imagine – the strength of the storm built my spiritual muscles.